Want to know how to write fast the daB way? Just use the four H's! I'll add in the comments I assume you, the readers, are making in italics, to wit:
what a great blog
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| source |
You need a sexy girlfriend! A stable life! You need to get organized, son. You need to have a great office, free of distractions, preferably with a door!
but dave you already have that
Oh, right. Hmm... Oh! Lose the drama. Everybody who makes you sad is your enemy. DESTROY THEM...or ignore them. Turn off Twitter, dammit! GAHHHHH!
but they are my friends
Your only friends are BOOKS, now: YOUR books, the ones you haven't written yet. They want life, and hope, and they want to sell, and give you their money. You are a BOOK-PIMP, now. Get some prostitutes in the form of manuscripts, and bind them between covers.
your metaphor is tortured
I DO NOT CARE!
Hungry
Stop eating so much! That is to say, until you've written at least 2000 words, you shouldn't even think about food.
what about beer
No! The only thing you may drink while writing is weak tea of your own creation! No alcohol or sugar. That'll just make you crazy. But caffeine! THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT!
but what if I get too jittery from caffeine overdose
Well, that'll help with the next H. (Not really)
Horny
Not celibate, mind. But you know that sexy girlfriend you have? I know you're irresistible to her, and that she, being sexy, is a tempting delicacy, but you write so much faster when you deny yourself the sweet, soft caresses of woman-flesh that are your entire Motivation.
but i like soft sweet caresses
Tough nougat! Nobody said this was going to be easy! You want to rich, famous, stable, and possessed, at a later date, of endless leisure time, right?
yes that is my motivation
Good! So stop caressing until you've written 4000 words!
exHausted
Wake up earlier! You know you can't write after the sun's gone down, and you want to have "human contact" (including, but not limited to, caresses) in the afternoon, so you're going to have to wake up earlier. Procure an alarm clock on your trusty smart phone, and actually wake up!
but i need my beauty sleep
Get an artist to paint a picture of you for the fly-leaf. Nobody wants to see you, you're an "author". Well, you're GOING TO BE. Or are you?
yes
Good. Now, you've woken up, and you've avoided all the pitfalls discussed earlier, and you're sitting in front of your no-Net writing computer, right?
right what do i do now
Procure this program: Kapow! and use it as a time clock. Prove that you're putting at least 20 hours a week into this thing!
what like some sort of job
GET BACK TO WORK! (You may sleep when you have at least 5000 words.)
Thanks for reading!
daB
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