Old Year's Resolutions 2010

In 2010, I resolved (or retroactively resolved):

1. To only write for pay, thus to only write that for which I should be paid, thus thus to find a way to get paid for so doing. Thus Thrice: To become a professional writer.
2. To have a girlfriend who doesn't mind that I write more than I talk, this despite my nigh-incessant babble.
3. To be wealthy and handsome.

4. To Not Die.

I achieved:
-At least a theoretical framework and a practical application towards achieving One, to wit: Write.
-Two. Right before the buzzer, but it counts.
-Three? Eh. One out of two ain't bad.
-I knocked Four out of the park. I have a innate talent for it, I suspect.

On those merits, I give myself a B for 2010.

Happy New Year! Continue Not To Die, and have some of this whynot:

Ah, beer...

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - ?

*147

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me, or is the universe getting better and better?

Maybe it's just my inherent joy at being the best there is, but having a writing career and a pretty girl who likes me at the same time is enough to send me off into the ethereal plains of useless jibberjabber. Still, I recognize that this is a writing blog, so I'll provide you with an alternative:

Stuff happens. It's mostly your own damn fault. Or somebody else's

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What did I do?

There is no way I can justify talking myself out of getting immediately shot except by Refuge in Audacity.

And that's no way to live.

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"
Short Story "Science Up Some Love"

- - - -

Reading - ?

*146

Send For The Clowns

I was writing my exciting Alien Invasion short story (q.v. The End Is Near) and I kept running into a common decision point: Goofy or Serious? (Which one is Fun here?)

So I thought and I thought, and eventually my mind supplied the solution: Hey, why don't I just write a "Goofy" Alien Invasion story and a "Serious" Alien Invasion story? In tandem, even, putting the Goofy decision path into one story and the Serious decision path into another until they finally branch off entirely and have their own adventures?

This was such an elegant solution that I figured I might as well write a really short blog post about it, thus solving the problem of proper tone forever.

You're welcome.

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I'm still searching for a Steampunk story that is as interesting as the meta-concept of Steampunk itself. It's either that or I'll have to eventually figure out how to string together on my own the fun images I get when I contemplate Steampunk. I think it's because none of those images are ever characters, as opposed to designs for cool steam tanks that run on steam.

That's it! Sex!

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

Short Story "Treachery Afoot"
Short Story "Treachery Effete"
- - - -

Reading - Why Do We Need to Predict the Future?
(New York Times)

*145

The End Is Near

My general dislike of Aliens in Science Fiction is put on hold for a good story about Humanity fighting a total war against alien invaders. The three criteria are:

It must be set as close to The Present Day as possible, incorporating as many of the awesome real weapons humans have managed to concoct and applying them to the slaughter (or at least attempted slaughter) of aliens. I don't care if that means it's a little dated 10 years from now, as long as it doesn't feel dated when it was actually published. I'm willing to call it Alternate History, The Good if it actually is.

Everybody must know about the alien threat. When they discovered the threat, whatever lame secret Alien FBI was in charge handed it over to the public, which then applied that massive defense budget they'd been paying their taxes for all these years to the problem. None of this sneaking around, I want my alien invaders to be blatant and I want humanity's response to be equally open.

It must be awesome (without being stupid). That's a tricky one, but I know it can be done. My main goto is Freedom's Landing (and the subsequent series) by Anne McCaffrey. Some of the defeated parts of humanity get dumped on a crappy colony planet, but then smash their way back off and liberate Earth. Some quality science fiction is laid out, much like the alien oppressor.

Of course, I'm saying all this. Now I've got to put my word count where my mouth is and bust out an alien invasion story. Oh-hoho? Do I smell the sweat stench of "Treachery Afoot"? I believe I do. I believe I do.

And now to emphasize my point, the best game with the cheesiest intro ever!

Haha! Take that, alien scum! Don't mess with multicultural Earth! X-COM just kicked your ass with weapons that are notoriously incapable of kicking your ass in-game. Sucks to be you.

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Why is Controversy such a popular post? Albeit it is one of my personal favorites, so maybe my taste intersected with that of the masses. That's probably a good sign. In any case, it's just as true today as it was then.

Oh, she's just doing that on purpose now, but that's not really something I want to discourage. And we do need the water.

----

250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

Short Story "Treachery Afoot"
- - - -

Reading - The Dark Side of Young Adult Fiction
(New York Times)

*144

Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life

So at least you've got that going for you?

In my continuing quest to Rethink Everything (The title of a future post? Probably...), I came to the rather obvious conclusion that Q10 doesn't work on every computer I use. Q10 has thus far been my text editor of choice for rapid-fire typing, but as I've been ratcheting up My Writing Game (We'll find out...) I find myself using any and every system at hand to tap out words in my Otherwise Idle Moments (Time Travel is fun...), and I need a common program to Throw It All Together (Future me is pushing it now.).

So I thought and I thought, and decided to learn and use Emacs. It's free, open, cross-platform and has really convenient keystroke commands. I hate touching the mouse when I type.  I can probably figure out how to make it do the typewriter noises, even. I'll let you know whether this is a good idea after a couple months of practical testing.

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I read Rahul Kanakia's latest blog post and pondered: Hey: reviewing short stories? That's a good idea. I resolved to steal the idea but uncharacteristically did not attempt to pass it off as my own this time. Am I becoming a better person or a worse writer? Either way, my criteria will be Linkable free, so I can link to it first before spoiling the heck out of it, and Likeable by me, because I'm too lazy to give negative reviews. 

Mostly it'll be about what Craft techniques I intend to steal without attribution.   

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I like to include some sort of exchange rate when I mention cash in my stories, just for future readers. I mean, read the Bible and you have no idea what anything was worth, except maybe a dove. If only Moses had mentioned the prevailing rate for FREEDOM (hint: ain't free).

Anyways, make sure to insert it super-subtle, like in this example:

"Gosh!" said Timmy, taking the roll of banknotes. "I could buy nearly three loaves of bread with that. If it weren't for the money-sucking Government Tax Enforcers with their insatiable laser gun power pack budget."

"Keep up the fight, man," said the bored paymaster behind his desk.

----

250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - ?

*143

Me vs Me

Sometimes I find myself just sitting and wondering "Why am I not writing?" It's a comic, tragic, just plain silly event and it leads me to pinpoint me as my primary foe. Or at least the only foe with whom I have any fight.

Publishers? Eh, they're theoretically on my side (at least on the Writing side). If they like it, they'll buy it, if they don't like it, well...there're more publishers. Fighting them won't make a difference one way or the other.

Readers? They want something to read that doesn't suck, and they're willing to pay for it. That's not so much a "fight" as a "transaction". The customer is always right. Of course, I lay emphasis on the word "customer", e.g. Someone Who Would Actually Buy Something.

Still, Publishers and Readers are more like babies demanding to be fed than enemies trying to steal my food. That'd be Me. That jerk who sometimes sits around all day wasting time on the Internet or watching some stupid show. As Mr. Screwtape brags to his nephew about the victim: "You can keep him up late at night, not roistering, but staring at a dead fire in a cold room."

Too depressing? I modify the Ratatouille* cooking mantra for application: "Anybody can write." It's just that the difference between "can" and "will" is a wide gap of apathy and other interests, or just wasting time until death's sweet sweet embrace. Oops.

*Micro review: Great Movie, I liked all of it except the scenes where only rats were talking. Except the cooking montage and the final wrap-up.

Anyways, I'm going to beat myself up. That'll show me who's boss. Me, that's who.

Meanwhile, I'll be writing.

#

Are you scared of the dark?

Yes, jeez, leave me alone.

(time passes)

Ah! Stop showing me The Dark, you jerk.

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - ?

*142

Christmas Day 2010

People who read blogs on Christmas Day are losers.

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Haha, take that hypothetical readers. People who write blogs on Christmas Day are, of course, amazing paragons of inspiration. I was going to write something about inspiration, but it sounds less depressing when I quote somebody else who got to the thought first and more pithily:

"If you need inspiration, think of yourself on your deathbed saying “well, at least I watched a lot of TV.” If saying such a thing as your life ebbs away fills you with existential horror, well, then. I think you know what to do." - John Scalzi

One day I hope to have a 12-year backlog of daily posts. It's not so much a goal as it is an obsession, now.

Merry Christmas! I'll be writing.

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - ?

*141

Christmas Eve 2010

I don't really celebrate Christmas Day in any particular way. I'm just as likely to eat Chinese food as Christmas ham. Christmas Eve, on the other hand, is my holiday, that time of year when I (and my fellow Scrooges, presumably), have life-changing momentous occasions. It's really quite literary, and rather than write a lame story about it entitled "24 Times" (Man, that's a good title!), I'll give you a sneak peak of my memoirs, expurgated. For the sake of brevity, recall that I can't remember anything before about 2000.

December 24th, 2000
I wake up and realize, clear as a bell: "I've got to get outta here." I watch the Binary Sunset scene on loop a thousand times contemplating Getting Stuck. Biding my time begins.

December 24th, 2001
re: 9/11: Should I be doing something? Apparently not. But it was the first time I played Halo.

December 24th, 2002
First Christmas Eve away from home (not FAR away). Overdosed on reality, I pace the room in a state of knurd contemplating Injustice. Nothing changes, but I eventually fall asleep.

December 24th, 2003
First legitimate instance of drunk. Good times, good times. My responsible dance with Mr. Booze continues to this day.

December 24th, 2004
Had a semi-lavish party with friends, carefully ignoring politics. Danced et al with a pretty lady.

December 24th, 2005
First Christmas Eve overseas. Ate alone in China, then wandered the streets until midnight contemplating the Nature of Madness. Did not get mugged, did attain enlightenment.

December 24th, 2006
In a decision that has consistently ranked amongst the best three in my life, I decide not to go to graduate school. The other two were (I) controlling my anger That One Time and (II) becoming a Liar (best job in the world!).
100,000 words

December 24th, 2007
In what is quite possibly the most lavish office party that has ever been, what seems like the entire population of a city in Japan gatecrashes the festivities. It is an all-you-can-drink extravaganza which spawns at least three after-parties. Possibly more...
250,000 words

December 24th, 2008
Wandered around Tokyo alone in the snow contemplating Utter Failure. Sleep in a net cafe, wake up knowing I'll be a writer.
500,000 words

December 24th, 2009
Last Christmas Eve in America, the bittersweet tempered by escaping the Great Recession with dignity intact.
1,000,000 words

December 24th, 2010
Christmas Eve in Thailand. It's going pretty well so far, although obviously nobody is celebrating with me (except in the sense that they are drinking my alcohol, which is fine). I might even have to change my profile blurb if this keeps up.

Merry Christmas to all, and to me a good night.

#

For those of you who say that fiction never helped anybody, go read A Christmas Carol. It literally changed my life, specifically this quote (which never seems to make it to the TV specials):

"They are Man’s," said the Spirit, looking down upon them. "And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!"

The Ghost of Christmas Present had a lot more going on that just being jolly.

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - ?

*140

I Don't Have a Lot Going On

Nobody celebrates Christmas around here, guys. I'm just sayin'. I was also just ridiculously sick today, in a "Let's lie around the house thinking about how sick we are" way. I'm surprised I got any writing done at all, but I did. That's one of the benefits of writing, you just have to be able to type. Admittedly, it was in a rather haphazard "Let's work on three projects at a time" way, but it counts.

Anyways, here's my favorite movie mass combat scene ever:

War movies shouldn't have too much dialogue.

Link

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Here's my favorite cover art from Beneath Ceaseless Skies, which just happens to be my favorite magazine. I like airships floating across snow-swept vistas, myself. I don't know about you guys.

Anyways, I suppose the color scheme is vaguely Christmas-y, so there's that too.

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1000 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"
Short Story "Bitsy Pollo Save Us: A Love Story"
Short Story "Cosmast Rhyt"

- - - -

Reading - ?

*139

Hollandaise

Exactly What It Says On The Tin

Asparagus (vegetable), served with Hollandaise and potatoes

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I'm hungry and cooking (real cooking, not Lazy Writer Cooking) is hard. It requires a lot more skills which I haven't put in nearly as much effort into cultivating as I have in cultivating other Creative talents that involve fewer sauces and fires. Sometimes I take basic competence for granted, and then realize I have no idea what I'm doing on a fundamental level. Then I have to brute force the effort a few hundred times until I figure it out.

Sometimes, but not always, there's somebody who is willing to teach me something. Or YouTube: thanks for nothing Making Hollandaise Sauce...

Oh well, I'll just look at that picture while I eat some cup ramen.

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1000 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"
Short Story "Bitsy Pollo Save Us!: A Love Story" - working on it.

- - - -

Reading - Inside the mind of Scientology's Messiah

(New Humanist)

*138

Organizational Genius

I spent the last couple days organizing just about everything on my computer to just plain work better. I hope to eventually migrate completely over to free software (ref: gNewSense, Free Software Foundation, et al), but until Smashwords gets its act together and accepts something besides .doc files, I'm stuck with needing Word every once in a while (OpenOffice .doc seems to fail Smashwords). I also would need somebody to make me a free version of q10, as this has been the only program that I have ever been completely satisfied with as a writer. Those are the only two programs keeping me in Windows. In my defense though, I'm still using Windows XP and Office 2007, so it's not like I've wasted a lot of money on it.

Taking off from the organization genius, I've found that if I have two elements:
1 Characters
2 Something Characters Do
I'll eventually get a story out of it. It's not Having Ideas that is the problem, it's sitting down and writing them all down. I intend to ratchet up my game in the coming days and just make it happen. Stop being so lazy, me, I'm organized and everything. I'll get a couple stories out every week.

Anyways, I read a novel: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Good stuff, and I do like acronyms.

Oh, and I fancied up the blog a bit just for my own taste. I never really liked the layout of the profile gadget anyways. I'll never run out of things to learn how to do on the Internet, and that's a good thing.

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Exciting new regular blog post time: 10PM (my time starting tomorrow) This better reflects my schedule and actual writing habits. When I'm on my game, I usually wake up about 6AM and write (in q10) until about 8AM. Then I wander around doing whatever it is I do here (the mundane mystery continues for you, reader, but it's not nearly as interesting as Writing, just so's you know), occasionally jotting down short scribbles in idle moments. Then from about 5PM to 10PM I write (in q10) some more. On the days when I'm not doing what I'm doing, I start at 6AM and end at 10PM. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and write for an hour so I can go back to sleep.

All of this subject to change in case of a party breaking out.

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I love picnics with ladies in secluded glens. It's amongst the best ways I can think of to spend a day.

Excuse me, I have to go help her out of those wet clothes.

What could possibly go wrong?

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2000 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

Short Story "Bitsy Pollo Save Us!: A Love Story" - in progress.
- - - -

Reading - Is Science Fiction Dying?

*137

Lazy Writer Drinks: Thaiball

Well, thus far this has been my favorite post to write, thanks to the extensive research that was required to bring it about. Here's what we're going to do today: We're going to make a tropical highball from locally available materials. Because I can't really put it directly into an existing highball drink name (and because I like puns), I'm going to call it the Thaiball. It's what we drink 'round here, and what I often drink for my more dramatic writing sessions.

What you'll need:

-Blend 285, an "Admix" which is "derived from Scottish malt whiskey, aged for years, and then blended by experts from Scotland." It costs six bucks.
-Some soda water
-Coca-Cola
-Limes, fresh
-Ice
-A Reason To Drink (I suggest: "I now have all of the above ingredients")

Place ice in the glass, which, since we're in Thailand, is legally required to have a picture of a bird on it. Do it carefully, because nobody likes a poorly built stack of ice cubes, and this also allows you to assess your level of drunkenness. It doesn't take much sobriety to type, so it's good to know how much fine motor control you have left.

Now, pour a liberal dose of whisky. We're going to end up with a 1-2-1 mix, so let the whisky gently caress the yellow stomach of the happy bird. Now you know why it's the law. Take a sniff of the straight whisky to assess the joy that awaits. Often in Thailand, the exact brand and composition of the whisky is changeable, so you should familiarize yourself with all the popular ones. You will find that they do not correspond taste-wise to their price.

Now add two parts soda. Because we're in the tropics, it's important to have a refreshing breeze of soda to go with the whisky. Imagine that you are a British imperialist briefly enjoying his conquest before he succumbs to some native disease. Just think, if you're one of the lucky one in twenty who survive to see England again, you'll be loaded. You damn nabob.

Now, add the Coca-Cola to the top, and squeeze a half of lime juice into the drink. Slide the lime around the rim and discard. Shake gently, let it stand a bit, then drink. Repeat as desired. It's a good social drink, but it also works for marathon typing sessions. You'll know you're done with the story when the bottle is empty. Don't worry, though, it's a very gentle hangover.

A writer never drinks alone, because he's drinking with his characters. If he doesn't know his characters, he's just an alcoholic near strangers. Words to live by, when you live by words.

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1250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"
Short Story "Cosmast Rhyt" - in progress

- - - -

Reading - Why We Love Bad Writing
(Salon)

*136

Destined for the Churn

The Churn is, of course, what I call the total number of stories I have floating amongst the markets looking for a home, and I try to keep it as vigorous as possible. I try to have one new story ready to send out every week and I try to expedite the Churn using the SCIENCE! of statistics.

Recently, though, things got confused so I decided that my disorganized process of throwing things at the markets was wasting a lot of time and becoming a hassle, so I streamlined with safeguards. Here's the process:

Finish story, spell-check, write a cover letter.

Consult list of appropriate pro markets derived from Duotrope's Digest prepared in advance based on genre and average response time (see the bottom of the blog for examples for my most common genres).

Check the whiteboard (which I inexplicably do not have a picture of) to make sure nothing is untoward.

Note on the manuscript page and the story page on PBworks, "submitted to Market X on MM.DD.YYYY"

Make a new column in the Excel Spreadsheet and mark the appropriate market row with the date of submission. Input all that into Duotrope's Digest, to keep the statistics neat.

Submit the story, write something else.

If the submission is rejected, add "(rejected MM.DD.YYYY)" to the manuscript page, and change the text color of the Excel Spreadsheet date to red. Input it into Duotrope's. Then submit to the next market on the list, repeating the notations, until sold.

When sold and the check is deposited, change the text color of the spreadsheet date to green and buy a round at next week's poker night.

At the Casino Royale? OK!

Jack Daniel's is always appreciated. (Drunken, not stirred.)

Link

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Zot. Amongst my favorite onomatopoeia, seen here with a laser cow.

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - Unasked-For Advice To New Writers About Money

*135

10 Hours a Week

My "goal", such as it is, is to write two short stories a week. This is not even close to being a full-time occupation, and shouldn't feel like it. Let's take a reasonable estimate and assume that a short story takes about five hours to write (That's the strength of short stories, they let you blast an idea out on the page and get it over with.) I should, by a reasonable standard, be writing 8 short stories every week. It's not like I don't have time.

With that preface, let's talk about GOALS. Goals, in my view, should be impossible. Plans, by their very nature, fail upon contact with the enemy, likewise should goals fail upon contact with reality. Much like plans, though, they should be so constructed that victory is possible even in failure. Simple, direct, well-sourced, and victory entirely under the control of the planners. If victory would require the other guys to be stupid, that's a bad plan. Likewise for me, Writer: If monetary success would require all other potential writers to work less hard than me, than I'm screwed. 

Fortunately, it's not too hard (or at least, it's simple). The only way forward is to work hard. I doubt I'll bust out eight stories a week first go, but I bet I could get at least four and half of the fifth. And once that's done, what's stopping me from getting five and half of the sixth? What indeed?

If I knew the answer to that question...

...well, there'd be one less question.

#

Right, yeah! Let's do this thing with the writing and the winning and the all the money! Whoo! There's nothing that can stop us now!

Wait, you want to do What? With the...ah.

Er...OK! (Whoo!)

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - Authors Feel Pinch in Age of E-Books

(WSJ)

*134

In Which I Briefly Praise Literary Fiction

Before Rejecting Those Who Read It Exclusively: A Novel

I read everything, it's what I do. I'm an intellectual striving to get paid for it, so of course I read. Furthermore, how can I be sure I'm not writing The Same Old Thing if I don't read a representative sample of everything else? Fair's fair. 

I've read a reasonable proportion of the Classics, Penguin or otherwise, and the two things I can say is that they're mostly good (special shout-out to Nabokov) and that Pride & Prejudice is not improved by zombies. From time to time I pick up the latest Literary Sensation (last case being "Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen), and usually I enjoy it. I can hold my own in a hoity-toity discourse on literature, so long as I don't let on that I finished reading the book. That's not a joke, that's just good strategy. A bohemian mustn't endanger his supply of wine.

I like the idea of a genre devoted to the Craft of Writing, fiddling with language and emotion and generally working out the effects of the (in this case) English language on people, viewing each work as an experiment and taking careful notes. What is the ideal reading length? Does the reader really care about adverbs? Sentence structure, phrases good? And so forth. I call it Literature Science, and obviously that's not what's going on in MFA programs.

Maybe I just don't trust anything without at least observing a little perfunctory data collection being done, but it seems that Literature, by which I mean those in the literature genre who don't admit they're a genre, has puffed itself up without having any hard numbers for a foundation. How do they know they're Art? How do they measure the emotions their writing is supposed to be evoking? They haven't even asked those questions. 

Eh. I apparently can't get too excited about this, so all I'll say is: Look at the New York Times reviews of fiction books and you'll almost certainly discover that the so-called genre book reviews are a lot more interesting, as evidenced by how they don't have to talk about the author for the first quarter of the article.

Read everything. 

#

When I'm a rich eccentric writer, I'm going to buy a printing press and give it to an inner-city school. Learn 'em a trade, it will.

As for myself, I'll have a book printer in my house.

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - Emotional Complexity in Literary Fiction

*133

I'm In It For The Money

I don't know about you guys, but I intend to make a living at this thing. I like the idea of having a profession that's easy to explain. So easy in fact, that you don't have to say "I'm a writer, I write stuff." People just assume you're interesting at parties unless you give them some reason to think otherwise. And then they'll think you're some sort of heroic misanthrope, which is just as good.

I tells ya, I like to think of Art as including a monetary component. Somebody's got to pay for my Creative leisure, and if it must be me I'm going to have to earn some money being Creative. Fortunately, I can see a path forward towards that. It's going to be exciting.

This qualifies as more of a Business-side post. I've already seen a big change with 10 short stories up instead of a mere 5 (and it's only been couple days... Sheesh.) I want to get the number up to at least 50 short stories ASAP and see what happens from there. Of course, I'll be sending forth short story manuscripts to the usual markets as well, because a broad churn propels all boats.

I have no idea if that nautical metaphor is accurate, but it's better than no metaphor at all.

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By the by, I was going to write a walkthrough post for basic Amazon DTP Publishing since I couldn't find one anywhere else, but then I ran across Simplified Guide to Building a Kindle Book. Apparently it was posted sometime after I figured out all the formatting by trial and error for the first wave. Sucks for me. Still, pretty clear. Something else that may help is HTML Tags Supported, if you want to get fancy (you probably don't).

Hard numbers, then, on how long it takes to get a short story formatted and up, assuming you start with a clean Microsoft Word document and have done it two or three times before:
Cover - 15-25 minutes. (Not counting actually going out and taking the picture)
Smashwords - 5-10 minutes (Premium Catalog inclusion took less than a day)
Amazon DTP - 10-15 minutes (DTP Publishing time about 24 hours)

So...negligible. And no special skills needed. You could do it today with Cover Art, that simplified guide, and a short story at 99 cents.

#

Whatever else is going on in this image, it's too crowded.

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250 words? Yes

Book "Lived Too Long to Die"

- - - -

Reading - The Role of Literary Publishers in the Digital Age

*132